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Black Friday spreads to Thanksgiving, kind of like the Blob

You know what I’m going to be doing at 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving? Napping. Eating. Possibly both.

I’m not going to Walmart to fight strangers for blu-ray players. Sorry.

You had to see this coming, though. Every since “Black Friday” became a thing that people said, and other people knew what the hell they were blathering about. A giant gimmick, in which retailers convince you that their ALL-TIME, SUPER DUPER LOWEST PRICES OF THE YEAR, happen for five minutes at the beginning of the first shopping day after Thanksgiving, and it’s convinced every shopper there is to get up earlier and earlier each year, as stores open their doors earlier and earlier, to “better accommodate their shoppers.”

If you really want to accommodate me, you keep your store closed on a holiday, you open at regular times the next day, and you offer those same low prices all the way to Christmas. That’d be convenience. Not having to punch a family of four in the face to get a cheap toaster in the early hours of the morning.

Get back! That’s MY $4 digital picture frame!!

I like a lot of things. I like turkey legs, mashed potatoes, pies, cranberry goo in the shape of a can, Cool Whip on everything. I like naps. I like my family. I kinda like football, but only on holidays. I like holidays.

I don’t like shopping. I don’t like waking up early. I don’t like chopping regular folks in the throat. So, I really don’t like Black Friday.

Also, my Grandpa Joe died on a Black Friday. So that doesn’t help things.

Retailers, however, have taken it up a notch this year, though. Walmart is opening at the ungodly hour of … 8 p.m. Hmm, that doesn’t seem that early. In fact, it’s quite late. Is it possible that Walmart is finally giving in to my demands? Letting me sleep, letting me eat, letting me stay home, letting me shop at reasonable times? I love you, Walmart! C’mon, give me a hug!

Aw, wait, it’s 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving. There it is.

Where is everybody going? We were about to have cake.

Seriously? We can’t even get a holiday any more? And your workers have to come in and work a full day on Thanksgiving to feed this nonsense?

Make it stop.

If everybody shows up in droves at 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving for this gimmick, then the worse will get worser. Next year, it’ll be 6 p.m.; the year after that, it’ll be noon. Within five years, they’ll be opening their doors at 3 a.m. on Thanksgiving Day, and that’ll just be the end of all civilization. Game over, man. No more family holiday. Just mobs of people, thrashing each other to get a discount TV. How in line with the founding principles of our nation, right? Thanksgiving for Low, Low Prices!!

I used these discounted designer boots to crush in the faces of my enemies. Totally worth not missing Grandma’s last Thanksgiving.

Stay home. There are good sales on Black Thursday-Friday, but there are good sales all the way until Christmas. There are good sales online. Stop doing this to yourselves. Thanksgiving is for families. Not fighting.

Although, you’re probably going to fight with your family. I can’t fix that one. You should call your mother more often.

(Columnist Kelly Hagen doesn’t actually have a column. This is a blog. Get used to it. He can be reached at kelly.hagen@gmail.com.)

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